Tuesday, September 05, 2006

While the Dell was Away....

Not having my computer for over a week, while “working” from home was interesting to say the least. My boss regaled me with stories of the “relaxation” I would do, being unable to enter tiny numbers into huge spreadsheets, calculating various ratios, and overall trying to catch properties screwing us. Well, relax I did, with some fine day-time TV, which I may have had on in the background while working before, but now was the focus of all my attention… So, please to enjoy below some things I have learned, via trash daytime TV….

Starting Over:

- Apparently, if you were molested as a youngster you can reclaim your lost dignity by sitting in a filthy pond covered in scum.
- If you are a prostitute/escort/etc its going to take a lot of work and a lawyer (perhaps my calling as an attorney? Hmm…. :) to get all the porn/escort sites to take your photos off of their sites.
- Sticky notes are not just for reminding yourself of crap you need to do/important numbers/etc. You can also make a huge necklace out of them with all your worldly troubles, wear it around you neck, and walk around that way….it really helps your self esteem.

The Lesson: Silly challenges using various arts/crafts/dirt/office supplies will solve all your problems.

Dr. Phil:

- If you’re 40, have a wife and 2 kids, living with your mom who hates your wife is bound to make you wife unhappy. The solution, courtesy of the wisdom of the fine “doctor”, move out of Mom’s house.
- It seems, if you have a “special” child screaming at her/berating her/telling her she is stupid is the “wrong” thing to do. Whew…and I thought insulting the retarded was a good way to motivate them….
- For some reason, some men seem to think that letting their mom’s curse and scream at their wives is not their problem, but don’t worry, the doctor set them straight, they should tell their mom’s to stop.

The Lesson: There are tons of Mamma’s boys out there, this is bad. Also, married people with kids should live in their own homes.

Tyra Banks Show:

- Women should not tie their looks to their self worth, however if you do then you can get cosmetic surgery to fix the flaw!
- Somehow, what the people at Girls Gone Wild do, when they get girls to flash breasts and act drunk on film do, is completely different then what Tyra does when she has girls pose naked on her show, or on her other show (Next Top Model).
- The right way to seem mature and as if you are not holding a grudge against a certain person, is to always mention them in a negative way, preferably on TV.

The Lesson: Anything Tyra does is right, if you something she would agree with then you’re totally in the right, if you do something she wouldn’t you should change your behavior to be more in line with how she would act.

Next (MTV, “dating” show)

- The way to catch a good man requires you to hand him your panties when you first meet him.
- Its definitely NOT ok to tell a man you’re on a date with that you don’t usually sleep with men after only the first meeting, what a prude!
- While bored on the bus making out with the other potential dates, showing them various body parts, or even covering each other in whipped cream and licking it off is the best way to spend the time.

The Lesson: Be a whore, people will like you better!

Oh there are so many more gems of wisdom, but now that Mr. Dell is feeling less cranky, I should get to those numbers.

Who said TV isn’t educational?

FY :)


Blogger Nut's mom said...

what I think is helarious over your point of tyra banks and self worth not being about beauty.... she's a fricking model for fuck's sake!!! she can talk all she wants but she's fooling herself if she thinks SHE can be the one that says, "All beauty is on the inside."

and "DR." Phil? don't ge tme started on that self serving asshole...

10:22 PM  

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