Clients Are Idiots
Dear Clients,
I understand that you have a lot going on, what with running that business of yours. I get that, I really do....we're busy here as well. However, why oh why is it that today, over a month past the deadline for the very last extension you were able to get for your 2006 income taxes (yes, 2006), do I receive a telephone call from you and have the following exchange:
Clueless Client: Hey First Year, I finally decided to remove my head from my ass and try to find the information you need to do our 2006 taxes.
Me: Well, that is great...I do hope you are aware that at this point they are past due and will incur a penalty.
Clueless: That is outrageous! That is why I pay people to do my taxes for me! Why don't I just do them myself.
Me: You can do them yourself if you'd like, but you'll still have to pay the penalty. Simply hiring someone to do your taxes, and then not allowing them to actually do your taxes along with cancelling every meeting we're made to go over them does not count in the eyes of the IRS. Is there anything else I can help you with since you'd rather file your return yourself?
Clueless: Well, aren't you going to help me?
Me: I would be happy to help you please send over x, y and z.
Clueless: Oh....none of the years sales/expenses/data/anything is in our Quick Books file yet.
Me: Well, we can do that, but it will take about a week for your return.
Clueless: But they are do NOW.....you need to do this today.
Me: No, they were due on April 15th and then again on September 15th, now they are past due and will be past due next week as well. It is 4pm and I am afraid I cannot drop work for other clients to do your data entry. If you would send the files over we would be happy to help you out and generate your returns early next week.
Clueless: :::::mutters about how lazy I am and why does he pay anyone to do something he could do himself:::::
Me: As I said, please feel free to do the data entry yourself this afternoon and then send over x, y and z and we can generate the returns later on this week.
Clueless: But I don't have time for that!
Me: Exactly!
Argh, what is that inane saying.... "Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part".
So dear client, while I prefer to while all my returns on time, apparently you are too lazy/stupid/disorganized/whatever to do so. That doesn't mean I am going to drop whatever it was I was doing in order to help you. Turn around for a corporate return could be very quick, especially if you don't act like a jerk to the person who you want to help you, however this assumes you have actually been entering all your payments and incoming money for the year....you know like most business do, but if you haven't and expect to dump a pile of invoices, bank statements, deposit slips, invoices and whatever else on my desk 1.5 hours before closing time, do not even expect me to look at it until I do all the things I prefer to do (as in not data entry) first.
Also, when you say you could just do it yourself....this isn't a threat to me. I don't get extra money for dealing with you or for preparing your returns. You were acting like an asshole on the phone, did you think I would be groveling for the privilege of preparing your returns and organizing your mess and dealing with your screaming self on the phone for a week. No....I don't care if you go elsewhere. You are a shitty client.
Love,
First Year-
I understand that you have a lot going on, what with running that business of yours. I get that, I really do....we're busy here as well. However, why oh why is it that today, over a month past the deadline for the very last extension you were able to get for your 2006 income taxes (yes, 2006), do I receive a telephone call from you and have the following exchange:
Clueless Client: Hey First Year, I finally decided to remove my head from my ass and try to find the information you need to do our 2006 taxes.
Me: Well, that is great...I do hope you are aware that at this point they are past due and will incur a penalty.
Clueless: That is outrageous! That is why I pay people to do my taxes for me! Why don't I just do them myself.
Me: You can do them yourself if you'd like, but you'll still have to pay the penalty. Simply hiring someone to do your taxes, and then not allowing them to actually do your taxes along with cancelling every meeting we're made to go over them does not count in the eyes of the IRS. Is there anything else I can help you with since you'd rather file your return yourself?
Clueless: Well, aren't you going to help me?
Me: I would be happy to help you please send over x, y and z.
Clueless: Oh....none of the years sales/expenses/data/anything is in our Quick Books file yet.
Me: Well, we can do that, but it will take about a week for your return.
Clueless: But they are do NOW.....you need to do this today.
Me: No, they were due on April 15th and then again on September 15th, now they are past due and will be past due next week as well. It is 4pm and I am afraid I cannot drop work for other clients to do your data entry. If you would send the files over we would be happy to help you out and generate your returns early next week.
Clueless: :::::mutters about how lazy I am and why does he pay anyone to do something he could do himself:::::
Me: As I said, please feel free to do the data entry yourself this afternoon and then send over x, y and z and we can generate the returns later on this week.
Clueless: But I don't have time for that!
Me: Exactly!
Argh, what is that inane saying.... "Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part".
So dear client, while I prefer to while all my returns on time, apparently you are too lazy/stupid/disorganized/whatever to do so. That doesn't mean I am going to drop whatever it was I was doing in order to help you. Turn around for a corporate return could be very quick, especially if you don't act like a jerk to the person who you want to help you, however this assumes you have actually been entering all your payments and incoming money for the year....you know like most business do, but if you haven't and expect to dump a pile of invoices, bank statements, deposit slips, invoices and whatever else on my desk 1.5 hours before closing time, do not even expect me to look at it until I do all the things I prefer to do (as in not data entry) first.
Also, when you say you could just do it yourself....this isn't a threat to me. I don't get extra money for dealing with you or for preparing your returns. You were acting like an asshole on the phone, did you think I would be groveling for the privilege of preparing your returns and organizing your mess and dealing with your screaming self on the phone for a week. No....I don't care if you go elsewhere. You are a shitty client.
Love,
First Year-
posted by First Year at 8:23 AM
2 Comments:
Hey you, more blogging less working. I miss my regular anti-stupid people rants. Also, interesting to see you do tax work as a CPA. Did you plan to do tax after LS? That's the path I took too.
Yes, clients are generally stupid. the good news is that because of their stupiity, they get the priveledge of paying extra for providers like us to save them from themselves once in a while.
I love your rantings. It would be cool to be able to email you. I have so much material.
After eighteen years andd hundreds of millions of dollars of work, and just as I think I've seen and heard it all, the stupid people that are outreproducing the smart people throw me a new curve.
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