Friday, July 21, 2006

The Company Credit Card Part One: Frosty Bitch

So there is very little (and I mean VERY) fun to be had as the Accounts Payable Manager. One of the only “joys” (and I use the term loosely) of this job is paying the American Express bill. Now you might ask, “What the fuck is so fun about paying a $146,000 bill?” Well to begin with its not my money and to end with this particular AmEx bill isn’t for the cards that some employees get (to purchase stuff for the properties or take the employees to lunch or treat everyone to ice cream because they got a bit cranky), these are the “Centurion” no limit business cards the owners and executives get. It is fucking hilarious some of the things they charge on the cards, and very telling about some of the ways they tip (oh thank you Am Ex for breaking out the totals!!!).

Now, as the owner you can charge whatever the hell you want and I just take it out of your take-home. There is some sort of ledger account for it blah blah blah, insert boring accounting term here. So…… here are some of the fun tidbits I have learned, enjoy (or not, its not my fault if no one else finds accounting humor funny!!!! :) So enjoy Installment #1

Frosty Bitch (AKA General Counsel)

First, not only is this woman a total bitch to work for and around but she is also a shitty tipper. I just want to send her a little anonymous note that says, “hey bitch, you make xxx,xxx a year, plus xxx,xxx in bonuses, stop being such a bad tipper and you’ll be able to stop complaining about getting poor or rude service.

- Case 1: When you went to Carlyle Grand and spent over 400 on food and wine (that place is awesome by the way…yum) $25 is NOT even close to a good tip. You should be ashamed.
- Case 2: They break out liquor and food because it’s coded differently. So when you had a business “dinner” at Maggiannos I know you spent $50 on food and $275 on alcohol. I also saw the receipt (because there was a dispute about who to bill it to!) when you crossed out the liquor portion and did the math to figure out exactly 15% of the food portion and then left $2 less then that. Yup, 5 bucks on over 325 bucks of crap you drank.
- Case 3: Hamburger Hamlet (first, who the fuck are you taking there? A partner…. or your bratty kids? Hmmm…..) But, it is a sit down restaurant and not McDs, so the zero dollar tip you left on $40 was definitely not cool. And before you say it was take out, it clearly says “dining room”.
- Case 4: The Bar….yea they don’t serve food there at all, just alcohol. Which is probably why there were 9 charges in a row from there. All for about 34 bucks a piece and $1 tip on each. So you drank 306 bucks of liquor and left 9 bucks. $1 a round is fine if you’re in the ye-haw honkey tonk and drinking $1 drafts and the girl brings you 2 a round. Otherwise, 1-2 bucks a drink and since you were at such an expensive place that your party of 2 (you and your doucebag husband I assume?) were drink $16 drinks you should have left 6 bucks a round.

So now we know you are totally cheap. But let’s look at some of the other things you bought with the COMPANY card this month:

- Balloons
- Contact lens solution
- Shoes
- 2 plane tickets to Ohio (who the fuck goes there???? We don’t have hotels there, are you prospecting a new hot spot for a resort? Right!)
- Jelly inserts for your bra (personal favorite, I saw you wearing them and you still look flat and you can definitely tell)
- 3 trips to Starbucks daily.

I have to ask….don’t you have your own credit card? Must you charge $2.31 on the card 3 times a day everyday. Don’t you know the breakdown on the bill clearly shows me who is charging what? Its not like you’re getting away with anything the other A/P manager just forgot to do last months bill so nothing was taken off. It hurt to have you paycheck docked almost 10 grand didn’t it? Well I enjoyed it thoroughly. Go and bitch to the owner and explain to him why the company should pay for your boobs and liquor fests along with burgers for your brats. Oh that’s right, you can’t because it will make you look bad. Well then throwing dirty looks at me everyday works too, especially since I don’t work for you anymore ;) Have I told you I hated you lately? No….well I do. Have a nice day, and use your own damn card

Love,

First Year

3 Comments:

Blogger LawNut said...

LOL LOL LOL LOL That post is AWESOME. I hate Frosty Bitch and I never even met her!

8:36 AM  
Blogger Nut's mom said...

LOL what an alcoholic!!!! the therapist in me is having a field day!!! OK... alcholic with bad childhood. shitty father leads to no self esteem (hence the boobie inserts) Ohio? can't tell ya that...but the contacts and shoes have to want to do with being the self esteem thing. she wants to look gooooood. LOL

I can go on but it's almost 90 degrees and only 930in the morning.

oh yeah... and the screaming kid.

9:34 AM  
Blogger dicta said...

that's awesome. it'd be cool if you could find a way to fudge the numbers and deduct even more from her check.

not that i recommend that but you know, just sayin.

6:12 PM  

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