The Company Credit Card Part Two: Flamboyant Owner

Flamboyant Owner (“FO”)…

I believe you are the most considerate user of the company card, though you also have your share of idiotic things you purchase. This isn’t as inane as Frosty Bitch (how could it be???), given that you’re the owner and that anything you spend is taken out of your profits. However I have questions about *some* of the things you classify as “company expenses” rather then a personal expense. I do understand the motivation to keep as much profit as possible and “write-off” other things… but some of these things are going to be tough to justify.

1. Your car payment. That’s right, almost $1,000 to Porsche Financing. I’ve seen your Porsche, it doesn’t appear to be a company vehicle in anyway. You do drive it to and from work, but I am not sure that this is enough to justify the company paying for it.

2. CVS prescriptions. Now… I don’t know what type of meds these are, perhaps if you don’t take them you wont be able to come to work, but (and correct me if I am wrong) should these really be treated like a business expense? I mean I cannot come to work without some Advil for my hangover, can I claim that a business related expense and be reimbursed.

3. Life Insurance for a Small Child- Now… I know you don’t have a child living with you, and as gay as you are, I am not sure you have any child at all. You are too young to be a grand parent and buying life insurance for someone else’s child is pretty creepy. Aside from all that, you are a free man and can buy life insurance for whatever small child you wish to purchase it for, however I am unable to come up with ANY plausible reason for the company to pay for it, or how it could ever, in any way, be a business related expense. Is it easier for you to get your work done knowing some random child is insuranced?

4. Amazing- This is not an “office supply” store. I am from New England, I love that store, I shopped there all the time before I moved down here. I had no idea that had an internet catalog and I am happy to see my favorite products from the store will still be available to me. However, and I say this as politely as possible, it is a pornography store. There are a few pens and pencils (mainly shaped like penises, which I know you love very much), but I cannot imagine that in the absence of nearby Staples/Office Max, rather then go to one of those retailer websites to order office supplies you decided to go with a few hundred dollars worth of penis pens. Though I do thank you for the laugh I had, seeing “Amazing.net……” and in *your* handwriting “office supplies”. I would loooove to see these supplies. Oh…and probably stop buying porn on the company card.

I could go on, but I won’t I believe you understand my point. Buy whatever you want, I hardly even pay attention to the stuff charged to you, it gets lost in the huge bill. But what WILL make me pay attention to your deviant spending habits is when you try to pass off (extremely) personal expenses as business expenses. Don’t do that, it just forces me to dig into the charge, something neither of us want.

Sincerely,

First Year :)

I Don't Remember Acting Like This

So... I have been A/P Manager for a very short time period and I can honestly say I remember "where I came from" (mainly the Legal department where I belong!!!!). But I cannot imagine now, then, or in the future acting in the way that some of my co-workers and underlings act.

For example. Girly Girl ("GG"). I too love to wear makeup and heels, I don't hide my feminine side at work.....but I do not shove it in the face of everyone who comes near me.

GG can be found painting her nails at her desk, or giggling on the phone. Her cubicle is covered with pitcures of various "hot" guys from boy bands and American Idol, and she spends her day discussing her plans to get them to marry her.

She only writes on cutsy pink kitten post-its and only with a pink furry pen. And while originally she was sweet and simply a girly girl her voice now grates on my soul ("and like Justin will tooootally fall in love with me after he tastes the brownies I shipped him").

As another Example: Inappropriately Dressed Girl (IDG)- Since when does business professional mean flip-flops. Those types of shoes do not belong in an office. Please don't wear them. They make the most annoying noise when you flop your way down the hallway loudly snapping your gum. I can hear you coming a mile away, which just makes it harder for to pretend you didnt take a 3 hour lunch.

Of course the list of things that shock me as a manager are common, maybe missed by me. But I never remember looking at my boss and saying anything that started with, "well shit...." or saying "so what?" when told something was late.

maybe I just never noticed this sort of crappy behavior or maybe some people just dont how to act at work. Either way, I was surprised, then annoyed, and now its my source of amusement!

FY=

The Company Credit Card Part One: Frosty Bitch

So there is very little (and I mean VERY) fun to be had as the Accounts Payable Manager. One of the only “joys” (and I use the term loosely) of this job is paying the American Express bill. Now you might ask, “What the fuck is so fun about paying a $146,000 bill?” Well to begin with its not my money and to end with this particular AmEx bill isn’t for the cards that some employees get (to purchase stuff for the properties or take the employees to lunch or treat everyone to ice cream because they got a bit cranky), these are the “Centurion” no limit business cards the owners and executives get. It is fucking hilarious some of the things they charge on the cards, and very telling about some of the ways they tip (oh thank you Am Ex for breaking out the totals!!!).

Now, as the owner you can charge whatever the hell you want and I just take it out of your take-home. There is some sort of ledger account for it blah blah blah, insert boring accounting term here. So…… here are some of the fun tidbits I have learned, enjoy (or not, its not my fault if no one else finds accounting humor funny!!!! :) So enjoy Installment #1

Frosty Bitch (AKA General Counsel)

First, not only is this woman a total bitch to work for and around but she is also a shitty tipper. I just want to send her a little anonymous note that says, “hey bitch, you make xxx,xxx a year, plus xxx,xxx in bonuses, stop being such a bad tipper and you’ll be able to stop complaining about getting poor or rude service.

- Case 1: When you went to Carlyle Grand and spent over 400 on food and wine (that place is awesome by the way…yum) $25 is NOT even close to a good tip. You should be ashamed.
- Case 2: They break out liquor and food because it’s coded differently. So when you had a business “dinner” at Maggiannos I know you spent $50 on food and $275 on alcohol. I also saw the receipt (because there was a dispute about who to bill it to!) when you crossed out the liquor portion and did the math to figure out exactly 15% of the food portion and then left $2 less then that. Yup, 5 bucks on over 325 bucks of crap you drank.
- Case 3: Hamburger Hamlet (first, who the fuck are you taking there? A partner…. or your bratty kids? Hmmm…..) But, it is a sit down restaurant and not McDs, so the zero dollar tip you left on $40 was definitely not cool. And before you say it was take out, it clearly says “dining room”.
- Case 4: The Bar….yea they don’t serve food there at all, just alcohol. Which is probably why there were 9 charges in a row from there. All for about 34 bucks a piece and $1 tip on each. So you drank 306 bucks of liquor and left 9 bucks. $1 a round is fine if you’re in the ye-haw honkey tonk and drinking $1 drafts and the girl brings you 2 a round. Otherwise, 1-2 bucks a drink and since you were at such an expensive place that your party of 2 (you and your doucebag husband I assume?) were drink $16 drinks you should have left 6 bucks a round.

So now we know you are totally cheap. But let’s look at some of the other things you bought with the COMPANY card this month:

- Balloons
- Contact lens solution
- Shoes
- 2 plane tickets to Ohio (who the fuck goes there???? We don’t have hotels there, are you prospecting a new hot spot for a resort? Right!)
- Jelly inserts for your bra (personal favorite, I saw you wearing them and you still look flat and you can definitely tell)
- 3 trips to Starbucks daily.

I have to ask….don’t you have your own credit card? Must you charge $2.31 on the card 3 times a day everyday. Don’t you know the breakdown on the bill clearly shows me who is charging what? Its not like you’re getting away with anything the other A/P manager just forgot to do last months bill so nothing was taken off. It hurt to have you paycheck docked almost 10 grand didn’t it? Well I enjoyed it thoroughly. Go and bitch to the owner and explain to him why the company should pay for your boobs and liquor fests along with burgers for your brats. Oh that’s right, you can’t because it will make you look bad. Well then throwing dirty looks at me everyday works too, especially since I don’t work for you anymore ;) Have I told you I hated you lately? No….well I do. Have a nice day, and use your own damn card

Love,

First Year

Missed Connection: Good Drivers on the Capitol Beltway

Ahhh the beltway..... who doesn't love a poorly paved curved road where driving 70 in the slow lane could get you killed???? Who????

Memo to various beltway misfits:

First: While I know I am in a sports car and you might not be able to see me I try to alleviate this by not driving in your blind spot. Since you can see me, can you tell me why you think your car can occupy the same space as mine? There was enough room for you to get in front of me....was the excitment of slowing down to get into my lane in the same exact space as me too much to handle? I can understand, I work in accounting the most fun that happens in my day a silly inter-office joke or an invoice with a funny amount ($6.66....hahahahaha)

Second: Just because my window is down doesn't mean its an open inivation for a traffic solicitation for chat, money, a cigerette or anything else. Basically, Don't yell to me in my car from your car. I understand you want to "holla" at me, but I am not sure traffic is the best mood to catch me in. Nothing about being stuck in a 40 minute traffic jam to get 5 miles makes me want anything (though I am sure the "something" you "got for ya" is lovely) other then a beer and my couch.

Lastly: Silver Jetta guy.... I see you every morning, it is painfully obvious you're not talking to anyone on the phone. Whipping it out and shouting into it while staring at me and other women commuter slaves doesn't make you look cool. It looks dumb. Please stop it just irritates me. Maybe I should bust my cell out and yell, "sorry can't hear you, this loser pretending to talk on the phone in his car to make himself look better is talking to loud to his imaginery friend". But I wont because I am too lazy and though I do talk to myself, I don't do it into my phone. I usually use my computer screen

:)

People You Meet At Work: Part 2

The Silent Manager/Boss

This is an interesting creature because while they want/need constant updates and want things done exactly to their specifications they will not actually tell you any of these things in any verbal way.

Silent Boss accosts me this morning: I never said to write “xxxx” on these invoices!!!”

First Year: “ Ok, I’m sorry. What is it you would like me to write in the space where it asks for the “xxx”.

SB: “ Well…. Write then “xxxx” but not with the “xxx” abbreviated this way, abbreviate it without the period (.)”.

First Year: “Ok, so the problem is where I have it abbreviated with a number sign (#) you would like it with both the period and the number sign?”

Sb: “I am going to go to lunch, can you fix all those please?”

Sure…. Because I am a mind reader. Why didn’t you just point out your dysfunctional system to me to begin with?

Or even more irritating, the SB who consistently neglects to tell you they are leaving for the day when they were supposed to meet with you, sign something, or otherwise do their job.

Rewind to last Thursday, I have been trying to get this wretched women’s attention the whole damn day. I need checks to pay the bills, I cannot sign checks over a certain dollar amount, those require 2 signatures. So first thing in the morning I ask her to take 2 minutes to sign them. She keeps leading me on that she will do them later, but later never happens. Sometime around 1:30 I decide I have had enough and once again march into her office. Suspiciously her handbag is not there and her computer appears to be off.

She can’t have gone home! It’s the middle of the day, surely she would have SAID SOMETHING. But no…. the silent boss is an enigma, a mystery you will never figure out. Maybe she’ll be at work, maybe not. Maybe you need to print those on the light purple paper, but she might want it on the pale green. Either way…don’t bother to ask hee, she won’t tell you!!!!! One would think all this mystery would add some excitement to the day…..

First Year-