I'm Back :)

Well I have been MIA lately… first I was travel a little and then it was the weekend. But I am back with another work week, which of course will bring more adventures. Since there are a few things I wanted to write about I think I will do so, list style. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

1. Things that DON’T belong on the roads during rush hour-

Farm equipment. That’s right, huge slow moving farm equipment about 1 mile from the DC and Northern Virginia line heading into the city. While this piece of equipment annoyed me because it caused a huge delay, as it was so large it took up 2 lanes and was moving at about 5 miles per hour with no way to pass it and still be able to take the lanes I wanted to take. But, it did give me time to reflect, mainly on what the fuck a piece of huge ass farm equipment was doing in DC? Is there a huge farm there I am missing? Is rush hour the right time to move big dirty farm equipment? Is the person driving the equipment simply a crazy farmer who has gone wild and is now gallivanting in his favorite piece of farm equipment and felt that rush hour traffic would be more exciting? Lesson: Don’t drive big, cumbersome and slow vehicles (and I use the term loosely) on the highway in rush hour traffic.

2. People at work you should NOT piss off:

The admin staff! People at the DC office are so freaking lazy they have someone here to do everything for you. File admin, copy admin, binding admin, errand admin, etc. It doesn’t end they all do something different. Most of them are friendly people and if you just treat them as if you would treat anyone else in the office and say “please” and “thank you” things will go fine. What you should not do it fling a stack of papers at the copy admin, glare at her and tell her those better be done before you haul your fat ass off to lunch or else her she’ll be looking for another job.

Did you not notice she’s like 17 years old? Didn’t you think that screaming at her (before she even had the chance to fuck up your copies) would make her burst into tears, rattle her nerves and also make it that much more likely she will be so unnerved that she’ll make a mistake? No, you didn’t. Nor did you think about the fact that all the copy admins talk amongst themselves, and she would tell them all what a piece of shit you are. Well, she did and now when they make their rounds twice a day to check to see if anyone needs something done (aren’t they so nice?) you get mysteriously skipped and also have to hoist yourself off of your chair and go down to the copy room yourself. Lesson: Do not fuck with the admins!

3. Racist Sentiments you SHOULD keep to yourself:

I realized I was not in northern Virginia anymore on a short little business trip to the heart of the bible belt last week. I realized my faux pas and suggesting a restaurant when I was told, “Na, we can’t go there that’s where the Negroes eat. If we go to xxxxxx it’ll be whites only.” I wondered how it was possible in the days of non-segregation and black people and white people drinking out the same fountains and sitting next to each other on the metros and buses to have a white restaurant and a black restaurant. (un) Fortunately I was shown how.

We went into this rather expensive place and the only black people to be seen were some people in the kitchen. Seriously not a black person eating in sight! And this just makes me wonder what it is about eating with people of a different color in the same room with you that is so offensive to these people? Are they worried that they’ll catch black? Because you can’t catch it, it’s a skin pigment thing. I guess being the Yankee that I am I don’t possess the deep seated hatred for people who look a bit different then me that some deep southerners have. But really….isn’t it about time to give that up? Black people are everywhere. They go to my law school, they work in my office, they ride cars on the same highways as me, and one even :::gasp:::: lives next door to me. So what’s the issue? And anyhow, I think black people have gotten it long enough…they could at least spice up their racism and pick a new group….no? Lesson: Try eating in the same place a “colored” and see what happens, I bet its nothing!

Well. I will leave you with that bit of randomness. I hate to sound cliché…..but Monday does really suck.

First Year-

I Hate Driving in DC!!!

Once again I am in the city doing this and that for work. After living in this area for over 5 years and driving around here for over 3 I still have a few vents about the City and the fine people who drive around here daily.

1. Tourists- Stay the fuck off of the roads during the morning rush hour. Please???? You don't need to be at the monuments at 8:30 am. Not only is it cold but it will take you an hour to drive here in the early morning but only 10 minutes if you leave an hour or an hour and a half later. You really just make things worst because you don't know where you are going, you drive in the wrong lane, you don't look where you're going because you've got 5 screaming kids in the car, and you're from some area of the country where traffic doesn't happen and you're flustered and baffled. Also, please stay off of the metro during this time too. Let us get to work and then you can see all the monuments, memorials, and museums you want.

2. Taxi cabs and Buses...Is there some sort of competition to see who can hit the most cars and pedestrians and whoever wins gets a year paid off (while its under investigation perhaps....)? If not I simply don't understand why the cab drivers all seem to think that their car and my car can share the same space together. And buses....Please look instead of just pulling out into the road, there might be cars there! Also, if you narrowly avoid hitting me do not glare at me as if I was somehow in the wrong. You were parked (with an out of service sign on your display) and I was driving in the road. Apparently while I was sitting in traffic next to you, you decided it was time to move again and simply slammed your bus on and started moving....Even though traffic on the road had yet to start moving. Apparently you were pissed you couldn't move because of the cars stopped all around you...I hate that myself, sorry to ruin your day!

3. Dumb-ass people in general- Whenever I am driving in DC I often notice tons of people just randomly stopped in the road. Not on the side of the road where parked cars might be, just all over the road. Its like a maze to find the empty slots where my car can fit and get into them before someone gets there first and randomly stops in the middle of the road. Some of these people are looking for parking (fair enough, I know that can be a bitch) and some of them are looking for the numbers on the building (Ok there as well), but most seem to be simply contemplating the great mysteries of life, baby talking with their dog, or sometimes having an argument on their cell phones. So I have to beg of these people. Please don't randomly stop in the middle of the road, and if you ARE already randomly stopped in the road don't just randomly start moving again when people are trying to pass you (because you're not moving). Try a turn signal or maybe you could turn your flashers off.

Aside from that little driving in DC vent I got an excellent question via a comment (anonymous of course, but that’s OK because I have his IP address, service provider and location and Comcast is currently getting me his- I assume you could only be male, please forgive me if I am wrong- information so I can answer this question personally) and wanted to make sure he got an answer.

If you read my post below you'll know I was a little down on Sunday thinking about all the troops over in Iraq and elsewhere fighting a war that no one here seems to pay any attention to. I expressed a hope that they would make it back safely. Apparently, I am such a whore the following question was asked of me :)

Anonymous Moron Says: "Why didn't you just blow him? You usually do that when drunk."

Well... there were a few reasons I didn't immediately drop to my knees and blow him (though of course this was my first instinct being on a whore-off free). Also, I wonder what your definition of "usually" is.... because if it means just one time you really need to repeat that special ed third grade class of yours, your mom is soooo going to beat your ass when she finds out you've been using the internet again :) But here are the reason that service person wasn't blown by me:

1. Lack of Facilities: Yes there was a men’s and a women’s room in the bar but all of the stalls were so tiny it really would have been uncomfortable and I really don't like to eat or drink in the bathroom....just the "ick factor" you know. The rest of the bar was packed, and while at first I thought I might just be able to crawl under a table I realized they were all taken.

2. Our Significant Others- Though you know I always (read once) cheat on Mr. First Year I was unable to sway this soldier from letting go of monogamy to his wife. I tried hard, don't worry....but alas it was not to be.

3. I am trying to reform my drunken blow job giving ways. I always thought when drunk to just stick whatever dick was available into my mouth....but apparently that’s a faux pas of some sort. So I am working on it. Aren't you proud of me?

Have a Happy Tuesday All :)

First Year-

Free to Watch Football?

I have a confession, a dirty secret that only others suffering from the same affliction know about. You see, I am a New Englander living in DC and therefore am a huge, jersey wearing, trash talking, loud ass Patriots fan. Today being Sunday I was of course at the Patriots Fan Club bar watching the game against the Buffalo Bills. My team won and I was excited and shots were flowing. Then a conversation I had with another fan really saddened my and put the “victory” into perspective.

A guy at the bar was wearing the same number jersey as me, an unusual player I hadn’t seen anyone else wear, and we struck up a conversation. It turns out that he is a US Marine and was home briefly between tours of duty. This was going to be the last Patriots game he would see in a bar in the USA this season, and possibly next season as well.

And it just struck me as incredibly sad. He was stateside for such a short period of time and what he missed most was the freedom of screaming at the top of his lungs in a bar, drinking a beer and doing victory shots after touch downs. The rest of us were going home and on with out live yelling, “see you next week” as we left the bar. But we aren’t going to see him next week. I hope we see him next year.

It just made me want to remember and recognize that as normal as life seems back in this country thousands and thousands of men and women are over in the middle east fighting a battle some say can’t and wont be won. I am not going to get off into a political tangent about the war. I don’t think wanting to support the troops over there and wanting to remember not all Americans are living like we are (free to move around, mostly safe, able to go to the bar and catch a game).

So…love Bush or hate Bush, think this war is a way to spread democracy and find weapons of mass destruction or a way to distract the American public from the problems within the administration…it just doesn’t matter. We all hope that we see those men and women again.

That’s all….

First Year-

WTF????

WTF?

Recently a few things have gotten me scratching my head and a little puzzled. Maybe on you guys can enlighten me or show me where my thinking is faulty…

1. There is a group with chapters all over the world (mainly in the USA and Canada) for people who are child free. The group is open for membership to any person, of any age, ethnicity, religion, etc with the only rule being that the person has never had a child. That’s a hard and fast rule. They make an “exception” for people whose partners have had a child but not the person themselves (and the child does not live with them, etc). The person without the child can become a member and the person with the child can be brought as their guest, but cannot be a member and cannot come without the child-free partner.

This makes sense to me, its simple enough. The group is a social group for people who don’t currently have and have never had children. Aren’t their enough mommy and me groups, parenting groups, activities for parents? Apparently this group has managed to offend a group of women in Georgia, who feel that this group is “hostile” towards mothers and motherhood and should be disbanded because they discriminate on people based on their reproductive choices. Right….because child-free people are never discriminated against because they don’t have kids. But I just don’t get it….this is ONE group of singles and couples who don’t want kids (some love kids, some hate kids, some are apathetic) who just want to hang out with each other and not have to deal with bed-times, diaper tales, listening to kid updates, or whatever else. But they shouldn’t be able to do that because parents who HAVE children are prohibited from joining a CHILD-FREE group.

What the fuck is wrong with these women? Why would they want to join this group anyhow? They aren’t child free!!!! Well, they say they should have the right to join because (and I do quote), “Even devoted mommies and daddies deserve some adult time.” WTF? You want to have your adult time with a group of people who don’t want kids? Why????? No offense but I love adult time…but you wont find me at Lamaze class to hang out with the pregnant moms. So please, someone explain this to me….please???

2. Sometime last week I was at my fine local recreation center with a friend of mine, we are taking a class this fall together and we were just leaving the dance studio. While getting into her car (a Mercedes Benz…gotta love her well-off parents!) we were approached by two women in their mid twenties. Without going into great description about their identity and the nature of the neighborhood let me just say it was in an economically depressed area of a fairly non-economically depressed city and the two women were recipients of numerous city services (including housing, which was all around the rec-center). Well these fine young women walked up to us and had the following conversation

Women: Hey, did you alls just get out of _____ class?

Us: Yup.

Women: Well couldn’t you afford to take that class at the dance studio?

Us: Umm, I don’t know…maybe. We just saw it offered and took it.

Women: Well the class is closed out and we who can’t afford to take it at the regular price can’t take it at all.

Us: Ummm…. OK? I think registration was first come first serve….

Women: These classes are cheap so people who cant afford classes can go and take them here. You should take them at dance studio.

Us: Why?

Women: Because you have the money. What you’re doing is wrong, its like stealing from us!!!

Us: Umm yea…. :::get into car and drive away:::


Now I wish I had laughed in the girl’s faces. It’s like stealing you???? HAHAHAAHA who the hell do you think subsidizes these classes for you? Umm… people who actually pay taxes in this city you moron. I resent the insinuation that just because we could technically afford to take the classes elsewhere (I looked it up and its about 3 times the price) we are wrong for taking advantage of the classes the city offers (no income limits, you just have to be a city resident).

I have lived in this city for over 3 years and have paid income and personal property tax the entire time…. But these lovely girls who leech off of others should get to take the classes my taxes pay for anyhow.

Come on, out there is a champion for the poor who can explain that attitude to me…


Well that is all, I think that’s long enough :)

First Year-

Frosty Bitch Strikes Again

If you’ve read this blog for any period of time you’re undoubtedly read about Frosty Bitch (see : FB Uses the Credit Card http://firstyearorlast.blogspot.com/2006/07/company-credit-card-part-one-frosty.html and http://firstyearorlast.blogspot.com/2006/08/dinner-with-frosty-bitch.html )

Well I have had the recent pleasure to cross her path once more. This month she is irate (and I mean bat shit crazy) over some of the things charged on her company credit card that I charged to her and not the company. Edited (to protect the innocent and the asinine) enjoy the email I was so lucky to find in my inbox one recent morning.


First Year,

There appears to be a mistake in the items being charged to me from the paycheck on xx/xx/2006. The following items and their corresponding charges must be refunded to me, as they are expenses that are related to XXXX.

- Charge XXXX in the amount of $107.32
- Charge XXXX in the amount of $291.12
- Various Charges in the amount of $4.72 totally $188.90
- Charge XXXX and XXXX in the amounts of $119.92 and $247.40

The total of these charges comes to $954.66. Please make every attempt to avoid such inaccuracy in the future.


Regards,

Frosty Bitch


Well Frosty Bitch…there is a reason you weren’t reimbursed for those expenses, its because they were personal in nature and unrelated to the business of the company. I think it’s the same reason you named the charges by their line item number and not by the venue. Please enjoy my response

Dear Frosty Bitch
CC: My Boss, the CFO (so he could see her insipid email)

I have carefully reviewed the withholdings from your check and have found no inaccuracies. These charges were passed on to you because they are in fact personal in nature, however if there is a reason any of the following are expenses the company should pay for please alert me to them and I will fix the problem right away.

- Charge XXXX for $107.32 was from a venue called “Chuck-E-Cheese”, this is a child’s play venue and the charges represent a pizza party for 8 children.

- Charge XXXX for $291.12 shows that it was charged on xx/xx/2006 in San Francisco, during the time you visited family there on vacation. Further the receipt shows that the venue was a local attraction to which you bought 7 adult and 6 children’s tickets.

- The various charges for $4.72 (40 in total) amounting to $188.90 were all from Starbucks, some during the work day and many on nights and weekends near your home rather then the office.

- The two charges XXXX ($119.92) and XXXX ($247.40) occurred at a dog grooming business, the first for the grooming of one of your dogs and the second for the grooming of 2 additional dogs. All of these dogs belong to you.

I hope I have cleared up any question you might have. Please feel free to contact me should you need further assistance or have any other questions.


Sincerely

First Year



I was annoyed and aggravated, so I CCed the CFO who hates Frosty Bitch (and saved me from working under her any longer). A few hours later he walked into my office and asked whether my description of the charges was a joke (they weren’t) and her charging inane things on the card was a regular occurrence (it is). He stormed off to talk to her. As of yet today she hasn’t replied.

I do wonder what kind of dogs she’s grooming….I should have asked the groomer while I had her on the phone!

First Year- :)

Mind Purge Volume 2 :)

Well I haven't been posting as much because I have just been buried in work. I wanted to make a couple of random comments in no particular order, so here’s Mind Purge Volume 2 :)

1. I am not anti-protester in general. In fact there was a lovely group of construction workers protesting the low wages (below industry level) that they are being paid. They were peacefully marching around a bunch of orange cones, people were still able to get by them on the street, and their shouts and screams were not belligerent. I don't know if yelling "Rat" at office workers (who are uninvolved in the situation) was the best use of their lungs but hey, to each their own. So, I too see the value in peaceful protesting.

2. RE: Anonymous comments. Really…what is the point of writing something, “Not only are you an ass, but you also seem to have a problem with the appropriate use of the comma. Ass.” What the hell does that add? No seriously, can you tell me? Do you think I will see your comment and think, “Oh wow this fucking pussy who wont even sign his own name to his own inane comments thinks I have poor grammar (I have a “job” so not might not have as much time to type out eloquent responses as you might have…), I am so ashamed, I should quit writing my blog/take an grammar class/cry myself to sleep? Get a grip. Do you realize how much of a moron you sound like to me? Life has to be pretty pathetic for you, and I am sorry for that.

A second genius decides to write, “Wow. So you're an ass AND a whore” What no period at the end of your sentence??? Scandalous, anonymous number 1 (the grammar king) is going to be mad. Oh wait… I bet you spineless morons stick together. Does it make you feel good to call me a whore? Does it make you less of that scared little boy whose mommy didn’t love him enough? Well in that case, I am definitely a huge whore. A big honking whore, on a whorrific whoring spree if you will. Feel better? I sure hope so :)

3. As for the 3rd anonymous…know that I WAS going to publish your comment, however you made mention of something I’d prefer not to have on my blog anymore, so you’ll forgive me if I edit you comment, but I will respond to your question regardless. Your comment was witty, you’re right you couldn’t have said that if you weren’t anonymous, but I wish you had!

“But I have been curious how you transitioned… to a tame domestic life”

Pretty easily, you see I was not really ever too wild. However, when something wild did happen I would write about it on the blog. I wasn’t going to write about sitting around cooking dinner with Mr. First Year (who is not my husband, we simply live in sin). But now that I have a semi-entertaining job I write more about that. However, I do go on less drinking adventures (and my days with drugs are over really before they started), and Mr. First IS aware of my past extra-relationship activities and is OK with them and we have moved on and are a lot happier.

4. WTF is up with my boss asking me for random reports throughout the day, and then when he gets them looking at the things like he has never seen something like that before? Please don’t act perplexed. I have even tried paper clipping your email asking for the report unto the report and you still seem confused, muttering, “Hmmm… this might be interesting to see….” I am at the point where I think I might just ignore your requests for numbers.

5. New assistant, I like you and you’ll like me eventually. Can you please be less nervous around me? While it is slightly endearing, I really AM 3 years younger then you, easy going, and not in the office half the time. Why don’t we go out for a drink….maybe that will loosen you up?

Thanks- FY :)

Responding to Anonymous Comment....

There was a comment to my last entry and I didn’t want it or my response to it to be buried into the comments, so I decided that I would give it, its own post.

This was posted by “anonymous” (of course, why would someone ever sign their own blogger name and or google/gmail name when it is so much easier to post anonymously. As you can see I do not really think too much of people who post in this manner). My comments in red :)

“You're an ass.”

That’s probably true. But isn’t everyone in some regard?

”These students are protesting in a non-violent manner, expressing their displeasure at a president who was selected with none of their input, and someone who, as provost, did absolutely nothing to improve the university's graduation rate.”

Yes, they are protesting in a non-violent manner but that doesn’t make my opinion, that their protests are counterproductive to their goal invalid.

She did nothing to improve the graduation rate? Could this be the fault of some of the students or as provost did she have the sole responsibility for people (adults who can make their own decisions in life) graduating from college? Maybe she can be more effective as president? Maybe when she is not effective she will be removed by the board. As for her selection with none of their input, I find it hard to believe that NO (as in zero) students were involved, asked, participated, etc in any way in the selection process. Do other Universities allow their students to pick their President? Well that would be nice!

Sorry, but I see nothing about preventing others from getting their education that will help improve graduation rates. In fact, it seems the protests are hurting the quality of education at Gallaudet because it seems there is currently no education going on.

“They have every right to be pissed off, and good for them for doing something about it.”

I agree, they have every right to be pissed off. And they could do something about it that wouldn’t prevent people who might need to work (hourly wage employees perhaps) from their work or students who might want to learn or need to learn from accessing their education. Can’t something be done without blocking access to the school? I think it could be. Perhaps the students that want to protest can stop going to class themselves in a form of protest, but to block other people’s education (some of whom do not want to be protesting with them) is inherently counterproductive.”Sure, they're keeping others from going to their classes, but the overall goal of the protest is to improve the standing of the school,…”

Yea. Stopping the educationaly process with definitely help the standing of the schools. Academics and graduation rates improve drastically when students aren’t allowed to go to classes. That makes perfect sense.

“…which, if you would actually take the time to read any articles about this matter, you would know is considered to be the most recognized school for the deaf in the world.”

See this is where your assumption about me is wrong. I have read dozens of articles, their own website about their protest. Along with that I am friends with several students who attend Gallaudet (and I can sign with an intermediate level of skill so that I am able to communicate with them) and I am also friends with a security officer at the campus (who has had to work hours and hours of overtime, miss many of her and her children’s activities). So I am aware and I am informed (and yes I know it’s the most recognized school for the deaf), but I simply (gasp) don’t agree with you. Hey it’s a free country so we can all make out own opinions.

“So, yes, the president of Gallaudet does actually have a lot to do with how deaf people are viewed in the world, so I think it's perfectly reasonable for these students to express their anger with the selection, particularly since their voices weren't initially heard.”

But you don’t think their behavior has any effect on how people deaf people are viewed in the world? I am sorry but I seriously think that as bad of an impression Jane might make people (who are these people???) making judgments about deaf people its got to be aggravated severely by the behavior of the protestors.

”People aren't viewing the protestors as "animals." That's just you, and probably other equally misinformed idiots who don't take the time to fully understand the situation.”

And again you’re wrong. I have followed this situation from the beginning, I am informed from all sides of the story and I don’t agree with you. I think their acting in a negative manner. I think they should simply be removed from the campus so that students who want to learn can do so. Also, so people who depend on hourly income from their jobs there can return to work and supporting their families. They absolutely have the right to express their opinions, and they have the right to chose how they express them. That doesn’t mean that everyone is going to think they are some sort of heroes standing up for themselves.

I refuse to treat deaf people or these deaf students any differently then any other students. I also won’t hold them to any lower standard of reasonable behavior. If some ignorant person decides to judge the entire deaf community by the president of one of their university (albeit one of the more prominent) then the problem is with them and not with the deaf community. It’s the same as judging all black people by 1 black person or all Jewish people by 1 Jewish person, etc.

Basically, I thank you for your comments (though an insult was not really needed, mature, or really productive to your point in any way) but I disagree.

First Year :)

OK, I have been putting off talking about this topic for awhile because I didn’t want to be branded insensitive, or a deaf-hater. But here is the thing; I don’t discriminate against the deaf so I must write this post. You see, if these students weren’t deaf I would have been all over this immediately, but I was treating them differently because they were deaf (well treating them nicer, but still differently). So freak ass protesters at Gallaudet University…. What the fuck is wrong with you?

For my readers outside of DC, you might not know what I am talking about. The “quick” story is that the students at Gallaudet (a college for the deaf) are enraged because of the selection (and the selection process) of the new president of their university. They are pissed, they don’t want her to be president. At first they camped out in tents on campus, then they overtook the main classroom building and locked it down, preventing their sane classmates from getting the education they had paid for.

At first I thought their problem with the president elect stemmed from her not being “deaf enough”, as she didn’t learn sign language until she was 23, therefore not being deaf in the “right” way. But apparently there is a deeper reason. They just think she’s plain incompetent and the selection process was tainted.

“Fernandes has said some people do not consider her "deaf enough" to be president. She was born deaf but grew up speaking and did not learn American Sign Language until she was 23. Those who are against her presidency, however, say she is an unsuitable choice for other reasons.”

From this story (http://www.examiner.com/a-337835~Students_blockade_campus_as_protests_escalate.html)

They are PISSED!!!

“Protests over the next president at Gallaudet University intensified yesterday when the football team decided after midnight to join the demonstrations by blocking the campus gates, shutting down the school for the deaf”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/11/AR2006101100317.html

Apparently the “real” problem these students have is that they feel that the new president will destroy the “good will” that deaf people have built in the USA and the World. That’s right they are worried that her being elected will make people think differently or poorly because of the president of a college for deaf people.

I have this to say to the student protestors that think that an incompetent president can ruin the public perception of you, what the hell do you think what you are doing in response (rioting, locking down buildings, preventing people from going to school and work, and causing havoc) are doing to the public perception of your college? See I don’t care one way or another who the president of your deaf university is, I don’t care if she was picked over someone more qualified, I don’t care if she speaks (and you didn’t or couldn’t learn too) and didn’t learn to sign until she was 23. But what DOES make your community look bad is acting like a bunch of animals, blocking students who want to learn from their class rooms, blocking people who want to work (perhaps on an hourly basis, therefore hurting their livelihood) from getting there.

Furthermore, I think we need to have a little chat about University presidents, the selection process for them, and their general competence. Listen, I went to undergraduate school at a college where the president built a giant golden pillar in a giant glass hall (a display case for the pillar perhaps?) costing the students millions, all the while raising printing fees to 7 cents and 10 cents a page. Seriously, he was incompetent. I am less sure there was a selection process then you are. You know what to do? Bitch about it, whine about, graduate and then refuse to give the school money for screwing you over. Or…DEAL with it.

Ahhh. Thank you :) First Year-

Mind Purge

I don’t really have a topic or anything too specific to say, so I figured I would just have a few mini-rants.

1. Lunch Buffet- I hate how you asshats (thanks Craig’s List) screw people for money. Is a pound of broccoli worth as much as a pound of general Tao’s chicken? No, it is not. So I resent the fact that I have to pick my lunch around what weighs the least not what is actually more expensive. So you will excuse my surprise when you told me that my total would be $7.31 for the salad I was holding. But when I returned to the office it became painfully clear where I had made my mistake. I took a few halves of eggs and placed them on top of my lettuce pile. Please ignore the fact that eggs can be bought for about 1.50 for a dozen. I guess that’s what I get for being too much of a lazy ass to pack my own lunch. Though they were the best 6.99 a pound eggs I have ever had.

2. Blackberries- People, I know you’re stuck in traffic and all but is this really the best time for you to be reading your email/sports scores/etc? We are stopped right this second, but next second we will be moving. Except you wont move because you’re staring at your PDA. Instead 10 cars will cut in front of you, leaving all of us not even an inch closer to our homes. So please, drive and then when you’re safely in your home/driveway/wherever the hell you’re going THEN use the PDA.

3. Company Credit Card User- Listen, I was not born yesterday. I appreciate you giving me your travel expense report super soon after your trip and all. Did you also think I would be so impressed I would not actually read it? Because I did in fact read it and I did notice that you were watching an awful lot of films in your room late in the evening. This could be since you came home late from meetings and the such, or it could be after you were done getting tanked at the bar in the lobby. You see there are times listed with the charges. So I can see you ate dinner at 7:30, closed out your bar tab at 1:15 and then ordered a “film” at 1:35. I shouldn’t assume the yours watching porn and hoping that the company will pay for it, but since you’ve already tried to slip in a purchase from an online porn retailer through my desk by marking it as “office supplies” I am going to assume my instincts are right. I believe I will go into your office tomorrow while someone else is in there and ask you which films you watched and how you enjoyed them. But then again I am a little evil.

4. The 4th quarter- I have nothing personally against the last quarter of the fiscal year, I mean who doesn’t love the holiday season. But every time a quarter closes there is always so much crap for me to do. So 3rd quarter I will miss you, I wish people kept better records during you. And 4th quarter, screw you….I hope we can learn to love each other in the end.

Ok then, as you can see the ADD is in full swing (well I at least *wish* I could use that as an excuse)

First Year-

Workin It: Accountant Style

So today is a crappy day out, it’s raining, its dreary, it’s just overall yucky outside. So I was already a little cranky. Top this off with me forgetting my umbrella and having to run into DC to pick up some documents and, well as you can imagine I was not pleased. In fact I was wet and presumably scraggly looking.

Well, of course once one thing goes wrong most other things will usually follow. So, while gathering up the crack I needed to take with me I obviously had a pen in my mouth (I have quite the oral fixation) and being an accountant the pen was red. I go on minding my own business and mindlessly biting the pen, when it explodes all over my mouth, my face, my clothes, etc leaving me looking like a total wreck. I try as hard as I can to scrub the filthy red ink off of myself but to no avail. I decide that I am just going to get my crack and get the hell out of there.

I knew that my plan involved me running across a busy DC street in the pouring rain (in tiny little heeled shoes) with my makeup dripping off of my face, my hair hanging down in strings and red ink all over my face and clothes, but I decided to just go for it. I mean the alternative was what? Staying there and hiding?

So, I ride down the elevator thankfully alone, and I begin my graceless walk across the street and what do I hear? “Hey baby, looking real hot. Lovin the way you work it honey.” I look over, in disbelief that in my present state someone would cat call me. But there they were 4 large black men hanging out of the windows on an Escalade shouting and making obscene gestures at me.

So, I have to say to those four fine gentleman, thank you for making me aware that I still have “it” even with red ink all over my face, soaking wet, and generally exuding my less then sunny disposition. Apparently I was working it. Accountant style.

First Year-

Bad Sunflower

I wanted to inform everyone that the HOA that I love under is now even more insane then I had previously thought (and believe me I think these nutbags are thoroughly psychotic). What happened today is just…well… I cannot use words to describe it.

Background: Me and Mr. First Year planted all types of things in our very first backyard (maybe some of you remember my veggies and our drawn out battle against our lawn?). Around the perimeter of my yard (inside the small fence the HOA presumably put up) we planted sunflowers. The giant variety, though we crowed them too close together to prevent them from growing to their 16-20 foot potential. So, from about July until this day (we planted in rotations so we’d have them until the frost) there had been a border of 5-9 foot sunflowers around our yard. Big, bright, happy looking yellow sunflowers. The heads are about 1.5 feet big and have tons of seeds (we have given pounds away, the birds love them). We love them, the neighbors and especially their children love them, they are simply big happy looking sunny flowers.

Today: At my doorstep were two women from the HOA’s “landscaping” committee (I have to note, only about 10 our about 800 units have backyards, though the grounds of the complex are pretty large, our yard cant be seen from anywhere in the complex or the street because it backs to dense trees about 10 feet wide and is blocked by the actual building we live in from the view of anyone in the complex except for the neighbors who hate the HOA and love our sunflowers.).

These women told me that they had “tolerated my sunflowers long enough, it is time for action to be taken.” That’s right, they find it insane and ridiculous that my sunflowers stand to this day, in October (it was 80 degrees out today). Its time for them to come down and for me to put more fall appropriate landscaping out in my yard. I told them calmly that I had mums, squash, and pumpkins for the season, but my flowers were pretty and bothered no one.

Needless to say they huffed off, muttering threats of a citation. But I have to wonder, what the fuck is wrong with these people. Only 1 other unit can see my sunflowers, there is no one above me, below me, whatever, and the unit that could potentially be bothered by my season inappropriate flower display is not. I am speechless, I am shocked. Had I not been a long time reader of Wide Lawns I would not believe the current HOA nightmare I am living under.

Someone, please… am I insane? Is my sunflowery show figuratively smacking the face of the incumbent season?

HOA outlaw… First Year-

Thank You :)

Well, as surprised as I am, apparently my post about breasts and breast feeding attracted a lot of attention and most of it not negative. A very dear blogging friend nominated the post for an award from http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/ as a “perfect post”. So here is my little banner thingy… Thank you very much Missing Ghost and all the people who posted comments and linked the post.